How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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