She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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