she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
