i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
