i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
