Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How does one acquire holy water?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
