apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
