I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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