its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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