I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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