I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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