I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
