By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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