Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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