Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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