I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
