I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
