I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
