Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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