i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
