omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
