Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's rum buckets o'clock
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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