I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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