I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
