I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize