Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
