his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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