4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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