and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am naked and annoyed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
