Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
