Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
