Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
