my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
