What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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