Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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