were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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