I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
