we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
