I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
