We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
