I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
