he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
