I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
