Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
