Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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