I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
