My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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