Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
