I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
