Banned from zoo.
Again?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
