I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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