Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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