White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
