hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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