I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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