the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
