I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
whose ass print is on the piano?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
