i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
