TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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