Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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