So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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