I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
