i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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