Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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