well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
